NOTE: this was originally a twitter theread i turned into a pastebin file but pastebin rejected it so im posting it here, its no essay just disored-spur-of-the-moment thoughts.

Expressing doubts, comrade?

(this post will be aimless and wandering)

IDK if im like communist r whatevs anymore. i mean it doesnt materially matter and i have scantly called myself a commie r an anarchist despite considering myself both bc i have not done anything to progress efforts on either of those two topics and online it is reduced to a profile-performance and irl i dont really have friends, save two, who are left-leaning ig. but we dont do anything.
My doubt then comes more from the theory and its application in modern day and the discourse witnessed online (and in life w/ the farmer stuff where i live). I have no principal disagreements with communism nor the real violence required to overcome capitalism and I do think still that a leninist vanguard is a good idea, mixed with guerilla tactics inherent therein.
However. I am concerned with queer ppl, neurodivergent ppl and my friends before anything else and my wish is to see them (and myself) succeed in their desires. I do not think as it presently stands any communist movement is capable of any real help. a tennants union here and there, a strike in the railways and airprts is all actively good but not communist as such, it's immanent.
A leaving the door open, not telling on a improv break, stealing from the register to have some fun are, i feel, all immanent. and thus also important, more then the a(e)sthete/religious desires of the many so-called communists.
I admit more and more that i am dismayed by the pure negation many out themselves with, it is sensible why, but it also leads to a devotion of a different religious zealousness in how it presents itself only in gloom and oppisition, anyone different from them, their group, their moral values is useless and disgusting in their eyes.
And then there are others, (perhaps a category economically who i fall into somewhat) who direct themselves to the Movement more for the desire of negating their own lives, their own worries, their own actions, they fall into these so-called communist or oppose themselves to such only because of that escape.
these two have always been there and the first has always been among the most active of subgroups come any conflict but in the meantime both rot themselves away from progress (personal and collective) in some idea of opposition to The System, Man. and I think it holds both back, the same toxic loop.
Maybe thats what people want, since it is easy to operate on and requires little self-insight. Just faux dissolution. Following orders of a different kind. That's too cynical. It's wrong. It's how I feel. I know it's wrong. This whole thing is Wrong and overborn and undercooked and...

Last year, or maybe this January I read this chapter/article in a book. It was by a transwoman who talked about her experience in clubs&moshpits&shitty service jobs in a city I will be flying too in two weeks and how they differed and interpolated with her experiences in the city she used to live. I really connected with the first part of the essay, the set up, the prose, the flow and way she explained things, it felt personal and confident. Attractive. However I found myself disagreeing with the second half, which i am unsure I ever finished, wherein she detailed her feelings on the encounters in clubs, being with other folks there, how the welling of emotions and ppl gathered could be considered in some sense raising of consciousness (which id prolly agree with) and revolutionary (which i thought then fell in2 an all 2 common trap of a lot of this sort of writing).
But I think about it now, not having read it in at least 7 months and I think I might agree more, in the sense that it is immanent and relaxing, the connections forged in such places are important to ANY kind of 'movement' or force. and they are intsensive. and they are enlighting. and they are relaxing.
Maybe, I just want to hang, Man.

...I'm too strict on myself and not enough to actually let me focus, making me fall into repetetive loops of anti-production vis-a-vis learning and making art. Only very recently did I start to consider myself a person seperated from online avatars, writings, music, videos, p*dc*sts and artwork that i had performed and learned/internalised. there was no break. only a slow process i will always be going through in fits and starts, folding back in on itself and regressing and progressing again. that is life. I am alive.
Only last year did i stop being a sollipsist and i still have many of those tendencies. in reality i probably am still one.

I lost the point i was building 2 with the last literary allusion to Man, i think i was going to go into something about shifting collectivity and networks and relationships. not positing them as revolutionary more as ig support networks and how those networks have become vital to so many of us (trans/disabled ppl), and how that is generally positive but also leads to a cycle of abuse in personal circles and polycules, which will only be escaped through further damage and seperation and how online is mosty mediated by companies we could cut our ties from but also shouldnt if we want 2 help more folks and how thats kinda messed up but also ultimately a good thing bc we r like surviving r whatever and yeah theres a genocide going on in america and terf island but that is also causing a further politicisation and collectivisation in small cirlces of trans groups and idk if that is revolutionary but it sure as heck is immanent and it sure as heck is producing relations to further ourselves as we keep living (and we will keep living).

also someth abt toxicity or... like a self-driven isolating toxicity common in marginalised groups that will probably only grow the divide but that is to an extent innevitible for some subgroups but not for others, like there rly isnt One big like group of transppl its a lot more diffused which is rly what makes a lot of the non-community/intergrated community a thing. this itself will lead 2 more divides by nature creating different groups of trans ppl and trans women specifially through that process, some of which are more intergrated with wider society or queer or marginalised ppl and others mainly concerned with themselves, who will (and this has already happened so they already do) see anyone outside their in-group as opposition-of-a-sort. this can feed in2 a process of further negation but also lead 2 new generative grounds of immanent activity and, yes, revolutionary activity, but only for their small ingroup.

there is no reason to hope or fear, only to look for [more] weapons. - Gilly D. Post-script to a society of control.

so yea ig im a communist but a queer-activist and disabled-activist first. not that ive materially contributed much at all to either of those.

have a nice day, treat yourself, treat your friends!

always strife for improvement, theres always a doing-better, a becoming-better, especially if that better is from the position of the Mad, the Un-reason.